Excelsior

Media Credit: Frank Miller comics BATMAN OR SUPERMAN?: Bruce Wayne, A.K.A Batman, may be the more ideal personification of America.

I'm going to say something controversial. I know people are going to object and be angry, perhaps even send nasty letters to the newspaper. Here goes. I don't particularly care for Superman, I find his boy scout like outlook and goody two shoes attitude nauseating. More than this, Superman possesses near omnipotent power, rendering him all but invincible. How heroic could a man be if he cannot be injured in any conceivable way? Someone is going to call kryptonite, but keep in mind that is not even a material that's found on earth. Overruled. With great power comes great responsibility, yes, but without risk there is no heroism. Bullets bounce off his freaking chest folks; the human concept of bravery therefore seems inapplicable. The above complaints are of course without mentioning Superman's "secret identity" --he's Clark Kent. All Superman does to become his alter ego is to change clothes and put on his glasses, albeit, at light speed. I used to have glasses and when I switched to contacts nobody had trouble recognizing me. Hell! I'll take it one step further. I grew a full beard and then shaved my head, not a single person was confused. So how can it be possible that no one ever recognizes Clark Kent? Your disguise is just silly Kal-El and so is your hair cut. At least Batman wears a mask and if it's Christian Bale, yells like a crazy person to disguise his voice. "Where is she!?" I don't know Bruce, calm down and stop spitting on me so we can go find out.

Speaking of Batman, he is a hero we can all appreciate and one of the few people/imaginary characters I truly respect. Batman is the everyday hero; his only power being capitalistic. Man of steel meets monetary appeal. The Batman isn't invincible; he is in mortal peril every night he tries to save Gotham. And he's scary, his arch enemies are actually frightened of him because they know he is going to beat the living crap out of them.

Bruce Wayne isn't truly a good guy; he's a vigilante outlaw with a propensity for violence against criminals. Superman is often depicted as a puppet of the US government or to his moral nonsense, Batman is his own boss. Because of this, his brutality and significant wealth, perhaps Wayne is a better personification of America. Look at this way, we invade other countries for at best morally gray reasons and exploit said country (Iraq) for our own economic gain. This is of course with a sizable helping of horrific violence. Why then should dopey, easily controlled Superman, be our national hero? I realize Captain America is probably the best choice, but I think he has a stupid costume. Same goes for the Green Lantern. Having a super powered ring that you fight evil with does not make an interesting story That said, I really enjoy Lord of the Rings, so perhaps I should just move on.

I have a soft spot for Spiderman; he is New York's superhero. It seems kind of odd to have a super powered costume crusader based on a creature as creepy as a spider. If you've ever watched a spider move you'll know exactly what I mean; they start and stop too much. Whenever I see a spider in my house, I can never predict how soon it will make its way to me, its pace is all messed up. I don't trust organisms that have such inconsistent speeds of locomotion. I also don't appreciate spider webs that get caught on my face or get in my mouth when I walk through my basement. Worst of all-- why do spiders build webs in toilet bowls? I can imagine nothing for horrendous than being bitten while sittin'. I've gotten a bit off track, but spiders unnerve me and I thought that was important to convey. Now more super critique action!

Aquaman has a stupid power. What use is it to be able to communicate to all underwater life? I could understand being able to talk with all animals, but why can Aquaman only talk to those that live under the oceans? It's not even like he can only converse with fish. So it's not like a species specific ability - he can talk to marine mammals too. I find it hard to believe that a jellyfish and a whale speak the same language, what possible sense would that make? I wonder what a jellyfish would have to say that was so important anyway. I suppose it'd be interesting to talk to a dolphin or something. As a general rule, great deals of sea critters are invertebrates or fish - fairly low on the high brain function scale. Maybe Aquaman is just faking it. Its not like anyone could call him out on it. He seems a little bit crazy anyway, some old curmudgeonly recluse by the sea type. A hermit crab if you will.

At the core of all this critique is probably my own bitterness do to my own conspicuous lack of super power and inherent notoriety. So much for being famous…

Article Tools